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Rules for Adult Dating

This is their third date.  They are in a park.  She hates him but fakes it well.

I love to talk and people always ask me for advice.  I believe it has to do with my easy going nature and the fact that i always pretend like I am an authority on whatever I am talking about.

Apparently, I majored in film but I minored in bullshit.

I thought today I would do a column about dating.  Now dating is NOT what I am doing right now in my life.  I am currently in a serious relationship.  The rules are very different for dating Nat and serious relationship Nat.   

For instance, if I were to wake up in some random bed with my head throbbing, a dead phone and a skank next to me, dating Nat’s biggest problem would be getting away before I have to go to brunch with this person.  Serious relationship Nat’s major biggest problem would be that I will be rightfully beaten and dumped by someone I love.  It’s all really gay and you guys understand so let’s move forward.

This post is also not about going out just to fuck.  Someone already wrote a book about that.   Neil Strauss will teach you how to do that shit and it will work.  Enjoy neggin and may God have mercy on your soul.  

Here we go:

1. Make a good first impression - You are trying to get this thing off the ground so don’t check out other girls while at dinner, don’t smoke, don’t get drunk, don’t give any reasons for them not to go out with you again if you are truly interested in them.  It is always better for whomever you are dating to find out what a disgusting human being you are after they have already invested in you.

For girls, this means leave your crazy at home.  If you can.

2.  You have no idea what is going on with the other person. - Dates 1-6 generally don’t let you know shit.  Those dates are for  feeling the other person out.  Remember, they may still disappear after you have sex with them.  They could be a serial killer or have herpes.  Dating is fishing and you may have a fish on your line, but you haven’t gotten them out of the water so you can’t be 100% sure what is under the water.  You may have hooked a tire.

Or, as previously mentioned, herpes.

3.  Don’t immediately tell all your secrets - You meet someone new, you want to tell them everything cause you are so excited and then they have you all figured out and it is dull.  The sad truth is that everyone sees themselves as very interesting.  Chances are you are not as interesting as you think you are.  I mean you have that great story about going on Safari with your family once in the early 90’s and the time you almost drowned in the creek while saving that puppy.  Also, you have the amusing story about trying to eat 100 peel and eat shrimp which afterword caused you to create a blue fart cloud hang in your living room.

You see there.  Now, I have told all your stories and there is no mystery left to you.  I am so bored of you.  

And you’re gross.  Shrimp is not kosher.

I know we have plans for later but can you just drop me off?


4.  If you don’t like somebody that doesn’t mean you should be tacky - Have sex but don’t call back, go out for expensive dinner after hooking up the time before and saying the last time was a mistake after eating the expensive dinner, movie date that is not a premiere or event screening before the 5th date, taking a girl older than 26 to an OddFuture concert as a surprise, taking non-work calls during the date, etc..  DON’T BE TACKY!  Also, if the current girl you are dating doesn’t work our and they have hot friends, you will poison the well with your tackiness.

If you’re awesome the girl will tell her friends and that could rule   All people talk.  Remember that.

5.  Don’t rush it - My friend tells me she met this guy last week and they had dinner on Tuesday, went out with mutual friends on Wed, went to a party together on Friday, decided to just hang out on Saturday which is when they had a huge fight and then Sunday that shit was just done.  

Consider a relationship like a boat and the world is the ocean.  You want a strong boat right?  

You ain’t going anywhere in this boat because that shit is a table!

So if you want a strong boat, don’t smother the other person in the beginning.  Even if you the other person is the most amazing person on earth you should give each other time to process your dates and let the relationship will blossom.  Then you will have a great boat.

Nice fucking boat.

6.  Dating teenagers are insane - see “Romeo and Juliet”

7.  People dating in the 20’s aren’t much better to each other than teenagers - Just because you are out of your parents house and out of college does not make you mature.  People in their 20’s do horrible things to each other.  Older does not necessarily make you more considerate.

8.  Don’t be afraid to take a woman’s hand and walk down the street - During the beginning of dating, you are constantly walking the line between any physical contact and too much physical contact.  You must find that delicate balance or it will be awkward either way.  (thank you 40 year old dating guy for that one)

9.  Sex on the first date is fine - be who you are and, if it feels right, then it very well could be.  However, you must be willing to accept the consequences.  Those consequences could involve feeling horribly hurt when you are not called back or the awful realization that the person you slept with has a very small penis.  

Other things you may end up saying in these situations:  Why do they have all the Mary Kate Olsen movies on their shelves?  There sure are a lot of pictures of your mom in here.  He sure like motorcycles.  That tattoo is spelled wrong.   You have a girlfriend you live with.  Boy you really do love My Little Pony.  You sure have a lot of show tunes on your computer.  Taxidermy is not really my thing.  When was the last time you washed your sheets?

10.  This shit should be fun people!!! - Dating should be about going out and meeting people and having interesting experiences with people of the opposite sex.  It should not be too serious in the beginning and it should be enjoyable.  If it isn’t then you are doing it wrong.   

11.  Be Honest - As long as you are honest than you can have a clean conscience and not screw anyone over.  You want to date four people and you let them know that, you will find out if they are down and they will either stay or go.  Also, be honest with yourself.  If there are something you can’t handle, don’t put yourself in those situations.  No what you are about and then go out and get it!

So relax, join  OKcupid and wake up with a dead phone in a strangers bed.  Eventually  you will meet the one and it will be worth it.   

Then you can finally just have some sex and watch TV.  Or go to Ikea all the time.  

Just like you always wanted.

  1. natdinga posted this